Monday, November 21, 2011
chasing clouds away in cursive
it's 5 AM as i write this, and the creeping dread i've
been fighting has risen up to render sleeping impossible
for now. so i'm doing the only thing that makes sense for
me to do at this moment in time.
i'm writing to chase these clouds away.
over the past couple of years, i've been in a position
where i have had to remove my blinders and keep them off.
what do i mean by blinders? specifically, all of the things
that some folks use to get through life. hell, to get past
the DAY at times. things like over-indulging in shopping,
excessive gossip, drowning myself in reality television. i
found that to a degree, taking those blinders off allowed
me to see. it also exposed my sight to the searing, painful
smoke that comes with fear. i know that enlightened mean do
not fear. but it doesn't stop fear from swarming in. and in
truth, there's a climate that exists these days that somewhat
demands that you bring fear into your life and home or else
face its wrath. and what is its' wrath? indifference. apathy.
constant anxiety. tears. sadness. depression. the feeling that
you'll never get past where you are now. the feeling of being
left behind by life.
i've had my time amidst those clouds. i've recently come to
grips with the fact that i had more than likely been hit with
mild depression due to a number of things going on. and i know
now that i had to have my eyes feel that pain. my vision needed
to feel the burn. i needed to confront every bit of doubt in a
cold, calculated way and rely on the fact that i've been here
before. and i've driven into these clouds head on every time.
and managed to make it out just fine. just seeing these words
in front of me now, as the silver morning light edges up to the
windows tells me i will get through them again. and it's because
i'm allowing myself to see everything better now. i'm allowing
my eyes to not only see all that is, but all that could be. and
i'm not looking back like i used to.
if you're reading this, i thank you for it. if you're going
through something similar, i hope that you have the same
revelations i've had and can continue on without fear.