Wednesday, February 8, 2012

the wound inside your heart. (some thoughts)

so it's late as i write this. those of you who keep up with
this blog know i can be a night owl with the words and thoughts.
i want to take a moment to speak about something in people that
we often don't recognize all the time. and that is, how people
can do things not out of fear of being inadequate, but out of
the fear that we have so much to give...and are afraid no one
will take it and keep it once we do.

we all have our own hurts and wounds. and some of us have let
them fester and linger to where we believe they're beyond repair.
some of us are forthright about it. others try to protect it
with humor and self-deprecation. others still get defensive.
we all share this involved knowledge of our own pain to everyone
in different ways. the world today makes it even more easier
with social media. you can effectively drown your sorrows in
status messages and Tweets if you choose. the flipside to that
is, you can run the risk of no one taking you seriously when
your emotional pain can't be hidden. also, drinking and being
the life of the party. alcohol is a truth serum. and some need
only a few drops. in some cases, being the life of the party
means that you're slowly dying inside. and of course, there
are those who hide this fear of being appreciated they way they
deserve behind indiscretions and accusatory attacks.

all of this behavior comes about in different ways. it can be
learned from parents. they teach us the good and the bad. and
sometimes it's not so stark, and there aren't easily definitive
triggers. you have to fully investigate and identify. and that
can be hurtful in of itself. another way we learn to hide the
emotional wounds is from popular perception. look at what went
down with the passing of Don Cornelius. for a lot of folks in
the Black community, we tend to think that being in that kind
of pain where we're able to take our own life isn't part of our
makeup. no one is impervious to that kind of pain or even the
beginning thresholds of it. but we try to shrug it all off, act
as if we can't be sensitive. and sometimes those who front as
if they're never sensitive at all realize they are but put up
that front for armor. do we get past the wound and begin to heal enough to
not only give our best all the time but accept that not everyone
will dash it away? it starts with trust. trust in yourself. the
world responds better when it sees that you walk with power and
faith in your spirit. next, figure out why you've been acting
like this...THEN resolve to change it. after that, practice
forgiveness of yourself. sometimes we can do the damnedest things
to other people because we can't forgive ourselves our trespasses.
one thing i try to do daily is say, 'today, i will be better to
myself than i was yesterday.' and lastly, believe that there are
folks out there who have been where you are, reached a point
where they knew their wounds were severely affecting them and
made a point to change. and you can do it too.

i know. it all sounds good in theory. it all sounds like random
stuff that belongs on the Hallmark Channel. but too many of us
don't realize the wound inside our hearts can still grow and put
us at risk. and there's no amount of temporary stitching that
can take the place of healing. i had to do it. and it involved
me asking myself some hard questions. i've had sleepless nights.
and you know what? i'm still here, and better for it. all wounds
sting and cringe when you try to heal them. you'll feel the burn.
but to be the best you can be for yourself and those who you trust
to give that too in any is worth it.

until the next time...

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