Saturday, May 31, 2014
learning to detach and float with grace.
there are moments in life where we find
ourselves the immediate object of someone's
fear and so, we will get all of the emotions
associated with that fear that causes a
detachment. a disconnect that may or may
not be willful. and in those moments, if
this happens to you, you have to learn to
detach with grace.
let me say that again.
detach with grace.
listen, i haven't pretended like i'm a
certified therapist and i won't start now.
all i'm doing is relaying what i've gotten
from my life experiences and trying to help
'cause we all need it from time to time.
that said, back to the grill...
i said 'detach with grace' because it is
in our nature to feel all kinds of ways
when people do and say things to you to
push away. i have had these situations
happen before to me a few times. and i
won't sit here and act like they don't
still happen from time to time. but what
i have learned to do is in essence a
process. detachment with grace is not
easy, and it may not be for everyone.
before i get into that, let me break
down why i'm writing on this.
a couple of instances that i had
recently really could have put me
in a down state. first, someone who i
befriended and had a good rapport with
to the point of being close emotionally
was going through a rough time in her
personal life. i tried to lighten the
mood but was met with a terse response.
i basically replied as neutrally as
possible, and she then said she felt it
was time to limit our friendly interactions.
i've known this person quite a while.
as stung as i was, in that moment i
realized that it wasn't about me. that
one doesn't make a decision to really
limit communication like that in a flash.
that this was in essence, a defense
mechanism. one that was chosen for
protection from conflict and emotion
at all costs. i replied saying that
i understood, and that i felt a bit
hurt that she didn't trust me. and in
the day or two afterward, i went over
all of our conversations as best as
possible to see where i could have
not made her feel safe. and having done
that and not feeling as if i had done
wrong, i let it go. i understood then
that in this moment, she chose to run.
run from whatever i represented in that
moment. and so, i let her. because i
said to myself that whatever inner hurt
she was going through, she felt that it
was bigger than whatever friendship we
had cultivated at that time. and to a
degree, that even though she said that
she loved & respected me, that what she
then did was to some degree not clear
and would lead one to think the opposite.
the next situation happened with another
friend and her girlfriend where their
attention was at times focused mainly
on each other, excluding me to where
at one point or two, i was an afterthought.
then i realized that this is something
that they've gotten accustomed to.
that they were focused on the idea of
'living in the now' that is good in
mindful practice but in this case was
tinged with a bent of selfishness.
my particular reaction then was to
handle that with extremely dry wit as
deflection and illumination when
in both of those situations, the process
i went through was a five step deal:
that's the one step that can bring
you insight if you do it, and can
bring a bigger ruckus if you don't.
when someone hits you with bad behavior,
frazzled emotions or passive aggressive
swings or anything that is a manifestation
of whatever they feel about you that they
know is unjustified, you need to breathe.
it gives you that brief but necessary
space to do the next step.
2)realize and assess.
if you've done something wrong, realize
and assess. if you haven't, realize and
assess why the other person would put
you in a position of supposed wrong.
with time, you can quickly review and
do this to attempt to restore clarity.
3)check your immediate feelings.
i'm not saying ignore anything. we all
get to that moment where we get HEATED.
where we don't have words or the ability
to express clearly and honestly. oh, some
will say that they do. they'll say so in
other forms. but if they're not consistent
in anything but causing emotional wreckage,
no matter how slight it is, then they're
being false with themselves and you.
4)address the situation at hand as
directly as possible. when possible.
you know, truth hurts. and even as i'm
writing this, i realize that when i'm
trying to be honest and truthful, i find
myself trying not to be too harsh. i'm
not saying that you have to be an asshole
while relaying truth or what you feel to
be the truth to someone in a scenario like
this so you can both come to an understanding.
the truth is the truth, and it comes in
its own clothing or not. real deal. but
one has to get at the truth of the matter.
if you have that opportunity that is. do
understand that there are some who are
extreme avoidance junkies. they do it to
hide their own hurts and fears and to not
let others know their vulnerabilities.
what you can see as selfishness or spite
is in essence that mutation of inner fear.
5)detach and float with grace.
once things have been said, or you've
tried to reach an understanding or you're
just done, make it a point to resolve
your anger and hurt the best way possible.
then go calm, and let go. tell yourself
holding on is doing nothing but blocking
your blessings from flowing and blocking
your own motion forward. tell yourself
to float on. that you're not doing this
because you don't care, but that you care
enough about yourself to not go through
this kind of strife. this part is important
because we often tell ourselves that
there are things and people worth fighting
for. but if others don't exhibit reciprocity
of consideration and mindfulness, your
fight gets wasted. and you may need that
for other things and people that will be
the thing is, there are things and people
over time that will put you in the position
to do these five steps. for me, learning
about how to deal with these situations
helped me understand myself. i asked myself
what drew me to these people. i found
that we all have different hurts and
wounds that make us emotional puzzle pieces.
some fit, some don't. and it's on us to
find out who fits us, and keep that together.
you know, like how some pieces won't come
apart in a puzzle after a couple of tries.
and then you get a lovely mosaic. but if
there is no fit, let it go and float on.
and find that grace that propels you forward.
thanks for reading, catch you after the jump...