Sunday, January 6, 2013

a well never dry. (or, how not to let others add rust to your shine.)

'just 'cause you're afraid of letting yourself be happy,
doesn't mean that goes for me.'

i posted that yesterday on Facebook. i posted it out of the
fact that right now, in this space i built tooth and nail, it
needed to be a declaration. a loud one, serving notice that
i am no longer dealing extensively with some people's own
sewage of self-neglect and avoidance. that doesn't mean i'm
not down to share, comfort and build with those who are works
in progress and cop to it. but the other mofolokos? yeah, they
can get hat and coat.

people do a lot of dumb shit to avoid their own happiness. i
have been there. i made the effort, and i'm still doing it, to
not be that dude. even at the risk of seemingly pushing folks
away. because a bunch of people tell me, 'oh you're a nice guy',
'you're a good dude'. adjectives and no substance if you see
me in one dimension. and in doing so, don't honor who i am, or
my flaws and process. it also gives them wiggle room to not share
OR, share a lot and then shrink up quicker than skin after being
in the pool. and why?

impervious. but we all have a soft side, a vulnerable side.
that's nature. hell, i learned that from watching Pai Mei in
'Clan of The White Lotus' back in the day. letting someone see
your vulnerable side is part of true growth. it's liberating.
someone close to me once told me that she loves my honesty and
that i can be so open. i think a lot of it deals with the fact
that i had to break the chain of men in my family in that regard.
pops used to withdraw to the point where he could be distant.
and i know how it hurt my mother and others. and i didn't want
to be that person. even now, i fight against saying 'fuck it'
and just dropping out. because i know how easy it is to do, and
how hard it is to get back. so seeing others do it, and do that
to me, can irritate the hell out of me. so, rather than let that
irritation be a presence in my life, i've simply let them cut
themselves loose. sharks don't notice remoras nor need them to
live. and that's how i'm looking at it. my happiness is fed first
by me more than anybody else at this point in life, and i choose
not to diminish it because someone can't let their past fears
and hurt go and want me to pretend that i can be happy in that
state with them. hell no.

so, if you've spent enough time reading up to this point, please
understand that no one got yardage without giving an inch. find
those people who allow you to be open and raw with no conditions.
build with those who are undressing their wounds to heal and be
happy, not those who pontificate about being spiritual and positive
and drink, screw and lie without even acknowledging their breaking
point. and to the latter group: admit you're broken. to yourself.
then maybe your happiness can be that magnet for others who are
on their way to or have gotten happiness to be closer to you.

until the next time, thanks for reading...

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