Friday, June 1, 2012

the faster blade

sometimes loved ones cut you quicker than strangers.

and what can really bake your noodle is, the timing
and the reasons. now, writing has helped me unravel
some tangled knots of confusion when it came to
other folks who i knew a little or barely knew at all.
we're like guard dogs in that sense. anything that's
unfamiliar and out of the ordinary we'll bark at
quicker than Fox News can lie. but someone we
know? someone we love? someone we trust? that's
the faster blade that we don't see. the one we don't
prepare ourselves for because despite it happening
to everyone around us, more than once, we still
don't really ever figure that it'll happen to us. it's
a plot device that always works in books, plays
and movies because it speaks to a key part of what
it is to be human. doesn't mean it doesn't hurt.

but think about that pain for a sec. you feel it
cut into you and all of a sudden, it takes you back
to when you were small. let's say 4 or 5. the hurt
rises in your gut like bad milk. your face stings
because you want to retort but this is someone
you care about. someone you love and you know
loves you. the tears wait on line behind your eyes.
each bit of that moment paints the walls of your
mind. and there you are, cut deep. only you're
not bleeding so that everyone can see. and the
other person? they are in their moment where
pride and their own hurt creates that bubble
around them enough so that they can't - or
don't wish to - see your hurt.

i can admit it now...i've been hurt before. had
those cuts leave me spilling open. there are
those that will believe that writing about this,
especially if you're a guy, is all a soggy piece
of over-sentimentality. i gave up on that plateau
of overt machismo a minute ago. writing on
this doesn't make me a shrinking violet. only
by accepting this and realizing that it doesn't
have to last nor happen again in the same way
helps you avoid these kinds of cuts.

let the wounds heal a bit. try not to shoulder
all of the blame for it. but don't heap it all
on that other person. try to figure out where
they were coming from, understand it and
the triggers. don't fall into that whole thing
about not wanting to be the bigger person
because your ego is talking louder than
your heart. that's B-movie material. forgive
if you need to, mostly yourself. get some
space. let that pain float away, even if it
takes more than one day, but don't let it
take longer than you can afford. talk it
out with that person. more often than not
you'll find it to be nothing. and the most
important thing? remember the love that
lives between you. even bullshit has a
purpose in the world, when you get right
down to it. all of that will make those
faster blades slow down and come to a
halt before they're drawn.

until the next time...

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