Sunday, July 3, 2011

feet of clay

(Memorial for the Alexander Kieland Platform, Randaberg, Norway)

i suppose i should begin this blog post with the initial
cause behind it. namely, that my legs ached. ached to the
point where standing was excruciating initially. i've dealt
with it throughout life, mainly because i was born with
fallen arches. the condition is better known as 'flat feet'.
most wouldn't know because i don't talk about it much. i
walk a lot, a good source of exercise for me. sometimes, i
get periods like i had yesterday, where the pain makes it
almost a struggle to stand upright, let alone walk. it always
begins with the left ankle and radiates to the right ankle
since that's what i rely on for strength and lift. treatment
involves a great deal of water(especially if i've had a few
adult beverages), elevation and foot baths periodically. i
had always heard of the phrase 'feet of clay' but i never
thought i'd personify it like this.

the other painful part of yesterday was dealing with the
fact that i have flirted with depression and thought it
would not get me. wouldn't affect me. i forget sometimes
that one of my main strengths, which is to internalize things
heavily and forge ahead, can lead to serious setbacks. i've
taken on so many issues, heard stories from other people,
shared their fears and tried to help resolve their problems
that all of that residue still clung to my own psyche in
bits and pieces. and when that happens for me, i tend to
get down. the light starts getting dim. and i'm fully aware
of what's going on, but climbing out of it gets difficult.
but i get out of it. and sometimes i have to rely on help.
to quote from Naruto, 'heroes are supposed to show up late.'
even when you're the hero in question.

what i take from this period is that i'm much stronger and
i'm much wiser. and now, i'm taking the initiative to be a
bit more pointed in replies and comments. and to be more
aware that people lashing out at you is their way of crying
for help in certain circumstances. for example, one female
friend of mine was going through a traumatic situation. in
an online chat, she chose to critique me and my writing of
late. she felt i was hiding hurt behind the words, building
a facade to show everyone i was okay. she was right to a
point, because writing for me is a cathartic process. there
will be elements of that initial emotion that i channel to
get stuff out. but where she erred was that her critique
stemmed from her own hurt, her own anger. and that clouded
her vision and in turn, she chose to see me as wasting my
creativity. of course, i deem that to be false. but i thank
her because she reminds me that it is okay to be hurt. it
is okay to let that remain out in the open like the brown
spots of the leaves of ferns on your windowsill. but you
can't leave it unattended and you can't cover it up.

so that was a lesson yesterday for me. we've all got our
own feet of clay. and whatever pain and tears we shed, we
have to bear in mind that we're just making them strong
enough to stand on for the next challenge we face. it does
not mean i won't be back in this same place again. i know
i will. but each time, it gets less and less bothersome to
deal with. pardon my ramble, and i hope this helps you in
some way if you've read all of this.

No comments: