wandering with a purpose.

i've been thinking a lot about this past year and a half. the ups
and downs. and the key word that comes to mind is, 'wandering'. it's
appropriate, but i now look at the recent past as doing so with a purpose.

why?

there's a negative undertone with wandering. it suggests laziness,
a certain willful reluctance to deal with 'real life' as it were. i know,
point blank that's NOT what i'm doing. i liken my situation to those
years of wandering in the desert that the Israelites did after leaving
Egypt. they needed that time to get right with themselves and God
before they could build their own nation. the same principle applies
with me. i realize that this time was necessary for me to take. i was
at a point where the hustle was bigger than anything, but i was losing
sight of the reasons why i was doing things. i got caught up in the
pettiness of work. i got lulled into thinking i was in the clear. i was
performing just like everybody else. and stifling myself in the
process.

i wasn't even sure of myself at that point in the first place. it was
around this time 3 years ago that i just said, 'f--- it. i don't need to
endure this anguish, this feeling of being loathed and being used.'
so i fixed in my mind that i was going to walk forward and define
myself...through hardship if needed.

and yes, it HAS been hard. it takes a lot to realize that you're a bit
fractured at the seams. it's difficult to see people having great points
in their life and at the same time, deal with other people saying, 'i
thought you'd be at this point by now' and other words that are
meant to mollify you but amplify the doubts you're fighting. it's
hard to strengthen old relationships, to create and nurture new ones.
because as much as people can circulate memes about being positive
and self-affirmation via email and Facebook and other places, half
of them could give a rat's ass about actively living those sentiments.
and in this state of wandering with a purpose, you see it that much
more clearly.

it took this time for me to really wander BACK to me. that is, to
figure out how i got to this point and from here, progress better.
i think i'm more content now. sure, i'm out here struggling like
everyone else. but i think this period of wandering helped so much.
i got a chance to deepen my bonds with my parents. i lost weight.
got grey hairs of stress, but the silver truth of wisdom with them.
i've loved, lost, found love returned to me in different forms. i can
speak from the heart more freely now. my writing has grown as i
have. i had a conversation with a great friend of mine and his lady
last night, and i remember saying, 'even in a curse there's opportunity.'

and that's how i choose to look at this time of wandering with a
purpose. however you choose to do so, do the same. wander back
to everything blessed you are and have yet to be. then the road
ahead doesn't seem so troublesome.