one year closes, another opens...

what's happening, folks?

on the last day of the year, i wanted
to take some time out to do things that
sustain me, things that make me who i
am. because this year, more so than in
recent years, has been one to really
savor and contemplate in those terms.
this year was the year i reclaimed a
few things. confronted a few. and made
peace with a couple parts of myself.

the year began in a tenuous fashion to
say the least. i've alluded to it here
and there, but i encountered a serious
health issue. one i thought wouldn't
happen to me, in all honesty. even though
i knew i was purposely daring, on that
edge. to sum it up, i had an acute rise in
my blood pressure. brought on by the
combination of stress from work, the
holiday season and its partying air,
getting a cold and trying to fight it
off with cough medicine and herbal tea
mixed together. one night i couldn't
sleep, and thought it was gas. when i
got my pressure reading, i was floored.
my doctor put me on meds, and a week of
bed rest. during that time, my family
was scared. hell, i was scared. as the
month went on, i got determined to lose
weight - physically and emotionally. i
was close to death and never knew it. in
truth, we all are, as much as we will
either acknowledge it or cast it aside.
but that scare led me to something better.
something on the other side of fear. a
place that was familiar. a place that
is where my spirit could rise as it should.

getting back to that place, reaffirming
who and what i am has been the mode for
this year. in the process, i've had to
ask myself tough questions. all of this was
necessary in order to do what Yaasin Bey
says on 'Worker's Comp', 'tell the tough
guys we're tougher than tough times.' if
you've followed along with this blog, you
know i've had my share. but i have made
the choice to push through. and in that,
i've had to be less stern with myself. i
have had to firmly ask for better from the
folks who i want in my circle. i have had
to accept that there are some folks who
won't regard me in a way i need to keep
them around. i've had to admit that i've
been an asshole, and to also admit that
there were times where it was warranted.
i've gotten used to not being a 'bigger'
person, but a better person for myself at
least. and most importantly, i've learned
to enjoy the benefits of my own silence
and what it brings me.

i mean, i've gotten more freelance writing
work(though i could always use more, so i've
been putting that intention out there in
addition to grinding). i put out another
book of poetry with the help of some fine
people out there. i've gotten myself in
shape enough to do that 5K walk.i got a lot of
support and acclaim and notice from some
well-regarded people and institutions. i've
gained a lot of insight from people. i've
been blessed to see love in the eyes of
newborns turned toddlers. i've made donations,
been there for friends in need. i've gotten
to understand my parents more. i've had the
opportunity to add my voice to important
discussions from the state of hip-hop to
tech developments to the continuing struggle
for rights and justice for Black/Brown people
in this nation and abroad. the blessings
have made the year's journey that much
easier and sweeter.

i won't focus on those that won't read any
of these words. if one person reads this
and gets some of the black gold of the sun
from it, i'm happy. i know there's still a
ways to go on this road. but i'm striding
on it, i'm less fretful even though there
are more gray hairs in my goatee than before.
as this year closes and another one opens,
i want to keep working at growing goodwill.
i don't want to necessarily label myself in
order to do good work. i want my spirit, my
presence to be a good one in the eyes of those
i care about and those i have yet to meet.
i want next year to explode with even more
blessings and pride. and i do hope that you
will be around to see it. more writing, more
art, more celebration, and less frustration
and dissatisfaction.

in closing, may you all have a safe and
blessed New Year, however you choose to ring
it in if you already haven't. thank you for
all of your support. see you on the other
side of 2014. one love to all!

walk good, good people!

body cams for brutes

they will say you are mad
when you cry out
at the vivisection of your experience.

they will look askance
when you resist the pornography
of your black body
of your brown body
of your womanly body
of your child's body
ripped asunder by bullets
strangled and hung like so much salt beef,
because you
remember that they deal in death for business
and record it for fun
take a look in any museum for starters.

they will say you are mad
because you refuse to be mowed down
like those herds of buffalo
because before your trails of tears and anguish ends
you will make them choke on it

and that
is when
you find that sanity begins
and you realize
that body cams for brutes
are nothing but toys
for the brutes and voyuers

saving heat for cold stones.

there is an old but new-found value that i've been
lucky to re-establish in my life these days.
it's something that came across again thanks
to a Tumblr post i saw a day or three ago. it
contained a simple message thrown up on a wall
in Krylon: 'you waste energy being angry'. it
was something i needed to see, and to focus
on. because i had been dealing with examples
of why it was fruitless to be angry and much
like having silence and hearing a temple bell
ring out suddenly, the truth of it hit me once
again and i got back to maintaining my calm.

now, i'm not going to say that anger isn't
necessary. it would be asking someone not to
express their humanity. anger can allow for
other things to flow more freely if they are
important. but there is a tendency with the
way things are, and the society we live in,
to look to irrational anger as a viable
solution for EVERY. THING. think about it -
if you're a Facebook user or Twitter user,
count how many messages are laden with anger
over minimal stuff. they can range from
bewildered exasperation to outright rants
filled with expletives. now think about how
many do that on a constant basis. if you can
count more than three people you know that
do this, that's a problem. one that we shrug
off a little too much. and it gets worse
'cause there are those who do this just to
seek validation for the anger, and not any
help in why said anger rose. for me, the
journey of self-care i'm on basically meant
that to realize that about other folks, i had
to realize that i fell prey to the same
things. there's different reasons why -
examples from a family member, the effects
of diet, bad decision making and not dusting
oneself off after - it all composes to that
core of anger along with other things.

it takes some time to get to a point where
you can recognize that the constant anger
over stuff you can control as opposed to
actually doing something about it is flat
out minor. it's not easy. and there are
those that will take you to that point,
especially if they are actively avoiding
doing that work behind a multitude of
excuses. i had a good friend earlier say
that actions by a mutual friend of ours
was 'tiring'. my rebuttal was, 'well, it's
tiring only if you give it more energy
than needed time after time after time
again.' we've all got people close to us
that try us like that, i'm no different.
but in order to be and live well, you have
to let them sort certain things out without
too much of your energy being taken up.
especially if it seems like it's often &
they're not mindful of you and your time.

there's some who'll dig what i'm saying
here. and others who'll look at this like
it's bull. Only thing i can say is, when
i chose to reserve anger only for something
that deserved it, i found that life got a
little bit more manageable. and as we
advance through life, that's all we really
want. 'you waste energy being angry'. i
intend to hold on to that energy for when
i really need it, and not for another long
story of an avoidable situation or another
social media rant from someone who wants
more attention for the rant than help for
what caused it.

thanks for reading...walk good.

PENNY CANDY RHYTHMS now available from 108 Press!!

Ladies and gentlemen, i'm very happy
to announce that my latest book of
poetry, PENNY CANDY RHYTHMS is now
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below!!!

lady Lazarus with onyx eyes.

in mornings covered in teal
to hide veins of gold
and the steam of many evenings
made warm by coffee
and words birthed by a frenzied, loving history,
it appears.

it bows its head
this free-form jazz
that gets sung in the spirit
of a certain lady Lazarus
with red hair
giving tyranny the blues

this feeling
does not evaporate
like dew over grass at high noon
her goddess stokes fire with one arm
and she weaves freedom with the other
over bones knit anew after pain & anguish

this warmth
bears a name that rolls smooth
like quiet winds on the Nile
or coot cats down Edgecombe
and finds sparks behind orange eyes
magnified by her truth

such warmth with an edge
is akin to the feel of the sun
on a mind kept dark and imprisoned
yes that is her power
it beckons to you
and asks you to rebel because it's righteous

she
gives you this warmth
that makes you want to be
her concubine of clarity
to toss off inhibitions to the wind
so you can rise

lady Lazarus with onyx eyes
maybe you feel the fire
showing you
how freedom burns clear.

for moments after a missed train to work

what do you make of your heart
that screams silent
trying to find enough crumbs
your apathy hasn't snatched?

Russian roulette routines
you endure daily
to tell the world you're this and that
trying to run from the bullet that will shatter you

what do you make of your heart
that pretends it can be a phoenix
but fears it may only have the flight
of an ostrich high on cheap coffee and mundane TV?

what will you make of your heart
the day you get tired of avoiding
the truths that come like a bullet
and how will you speak then?

learning to detach and float with grace.

there are moments in life where we find
ourselves the immediate object of someone's
fear and so, we will get all of the emotions
associated with that fear that causes a
detachment. a disconnect that may or may
not be willful. and in those moments, if
this happens to you, you have to learn to
detach with grace.

let me say that again.

detach with grace.

listen, i haven't pretended like i'm a
certified therapist and i won't start now.
all i'm doing is relaying what i've gotten
from my life experiences and trying to help
'cause we all need it from time to time.
that said, back to the grill...

i said 'detach with grace' because it is
in our nature to feel all kinds of ways
when people do and say things to you to
push away. i have had these situations
happen before to me a few times. and i
won't sit here and act like they don't
still happen from time to time. but what
i have learned to do is in essence a
process. detachment with grace is not
easy, and it may not be for everyone.
before i get into that, let me break
down why i'm writing on this.

a couple of instances that i had
recently really could have put me
in a down state. first, someone who i
befriended and had a good rapport with
to the point of being close emotionally
was going through a rough time in her
personal life. i tried to lighten the
mood but was met with a terse response.
i basically replied as neutrally as
possible, and she then said she felt it
was time to limit our friendly interactions.
i've known this person quite a while.
as stung as i was, in that moment i
realized that it wasn't about me. that
one doesn't make a decision to really
limit communication like that in a flash.
that this was in essence, a defense
mechanism. one that was chosen for
protection from conflict and emotion
at all costs. i replied saying that
i understood, and that i felt a bit
hurt that she didn't trust me. and in
the day or two afterward, i went over
all of our conversations as best as
possible to see where i could have
not made her feel safe. and having done
that and not feeling as if i had done
wrong, i let it go. i understood then
that in this moment, she chose to run.
run from whatever i represented in that
moment. and so, i let her. because i
said to myself that whatever inner hurt
she was going through, she felt that it
was bigger than whatever friendship we
had cultivated at that time. and to a
degree, that even though she said that
she loved & respected me, that what she
then did was to some degree not clear
and would lead one to think the opposite.
the next situation happened with another
friend and her girlfriend where their
attention was at times focused mainly
on each other, excluding me to where
at one point or two, i was an afterthought.
then i realized that this is something
that they've gotten accustomed to.
that they were focused on the idea of
'living in the now' that is good in
mindful practice but in this case was
tinged with a bent of selfishness.
my particular reaction then was to
handle that with extremely dry wit as
deflection and illumination when
challenged.

in both of those situations, the process
i went through was a five step deal:

1)breathe.

that's the one step that can bring
you insight if you do it, and can
bring a bigger ruckus if you don't.
when someone hits you with bad behavior,
frazzled emotions or passive aggressive
swings or anything that is a manifestation
of whatever they feel about you that they
know is unjustified, you need to breathe.
it gives you that brief but necessary
space to do the next step.

2)realize and assess.

if you've done something wrong, realize
and assess. if you haven't, realize and
assess why the other person would put
you in a position of supposed wrong.
with time, you can quickly review and
do this to attempt to restore clarity.

3)check your immediate feelings.

i'm not saying ignore anything. we all
get to that moment where we get HEATED.
where we don't have words or the ability
to express clearly and honestly. oh, some
will say that they do. they'll say so in
other forms. but if they're not consistent
in anything but causing emotional wreckage,
no matter how slight it is, then they're
being false with themselves and you.

4)address the situation at hand as
directly as possible. when possible.

you know, truth hurts. and even as i'm
writing this, i realize that when i'm
trying to be honest and truthful, i find
myself trying not to be too harsh. i'm
not saying that you have to be an asshole
while relaying truth or what you feel to
be the truth to someone in a scenario like
this so you can both come to an understanding.
the truth is the truth, and it comes in
its own clothing or not. real deal. but
one has to get at the truth of the matter.
if you have that opportunity that is. do
understand that there are some who are
extreme avoidance junkies. they do it to
hide their own hurts and fears and to not
let others know their vulnerabilities.
what you can see as selfishness or spite
is in essence that mutation of inner fear.

5)detach and float with grace.

once things have been said, or you've
tried to reach an understanding or you're
just done, make it a point to resolve
your anger and hurt the best way possible.
then go calm, and let go. tell yourself
holding on is doing nothing but blocking
your blessings from flowing and blocking
your own motion forward. tell yourself
to float on. that you're not doing this
because you don't care, but that you care
enough about yourself to not go through
this kind of strife. this part is important
because we often tell ourselves that
there are things and people worth fighting
for. but if others don't exhibit reciprocity
of consideration and mindfulness, your
fight gets wasted. and you may need that
for other things and people that will be
more vital.

the thing is, there are things and people
over time that will put you in the position
to do these five steps. for me, learning
about how to deal with these situations
helped me understand myself. i asked myself
what drew me to these people. i found
that we all have different hurts and
wounds that make us emotional puzzle pieces.
some fit, some don't. and it's on us to
find out who fits us, and keep that together.
you know, like how some pieces won't come
apart in a puzzle after a couple of tries.
and then you get a lovely mosaic. but if
there is no fit, let it go and float on.
and find that grace that propels you forward.

thanks for reading, catch you after the jump...